Costco Christmas

Okay, Martha and I were at Costco last week.

Christmas is a great time to shop Costco, because it seems that at the end of every aisle there is someone giving out a free sample of some kind of food! Bits of cheese. Fudge. Fancy crackers. Yummy. A tasty cornucopia of free Christmas munchies.

So I approach one of the sample tables. An African-American woman is slicing mini slabs of honey-smoked ham, jabbing each piece with a toothpick and offering samples to passers-by.

She's wearing a Santa hat.

I lean in and whisper to her, "So, do you commute from the North Pole every day?"

"Of course!" she responded, with a twinkle in her eye.

"But," she continues, "I'll let you in on a little secret."

Then she lowered her voice and leaned closer to my ear.

"This isn't ham." she said, "It's really reindeer!"

Now there's a woman with a bona-fide Christmas sense of humour!

Christmas Lights

We are of the opinion that the person who invented icicle lights deserves a special place in Heaven. There's just something about the way they glow, it kind of puts you in the Christmas spirit, don't you think? Can't you just hear the clatter of those little hoofs on the roof? Ho, ho, ho!

Photo: Jack, Martha and Johnathan doing the Christmas thing on a warm California day.

The Last Thing

Death!

It's not the scariest thing,

or worst thing that will happen to you.

It's just the last thing that will happen to you!

Photo: Lunch turned into a photo shoot. Aunt Lib - visiting from Calgary - took the shot, and was quite proud of herself that it turned out so well!

My Favourite Regret

I remember the last time I quit smoking: December 18, 2006 -- Madurai, South India. It lasted until March 2009 when I bought a pack of Players Ultra Lites, Bowen Island, BC. Typical of me. I know it's bad but I keep going back.

This time I've set my sights on quitting for a year -- until my next birthday. Do-able, I think.

And I have a "quitting partner", someone who also wants to shed this filthy, stupid habit. I won't mention her name but her initials are Valerie H. Oops! Anyway, Val and I have promised: no cheating and no lying. Meaning, if you do fall off the wagon, at least admit it.

I also admit...I have had a lot of great and memorable "smoking" moments. And I don't totally regret taking it up. But it sure will be a bummer if these "f*cking things end up killing me. I would join the long line of idiots who allowed this addiction to take hold!

It's been nearly 24 hours and I'm still clean. Honest! (Comments welcome)

Photo: Wyndham House barn. June 30, 2009.

Not One Cake Lost!

Over the years it became the drill: Merrill has a birthday...he spins his birthday cake upside down like a freakin' ferris wheel. It could, arguably, be the thing I am remembered for most in the coming years -- after I'm dead, of course. Well, here's the 2009 version! On a video clip.

It was my sister Leona's fault...we were about to cut the cake....

"Aren't you going to spin it?" she said.

Honestly, I hadn't done it for years and had almost forgotten about it. But, in true Merrill fashion, maverick-lunatic style. I went for it. And...YAY...my record stands. Not one cake lost!!!

Photo: I'm somewhere in my late 50's. Who gives a shit? So stop asking!

Patient Doing Well

General anaesthetic is a bitch.

Recovery after surgery can be nauseating and lengthy.

But, Martha had a "spinal" for her foot surgery. Which means no post-operative grogginess. No nausea. No pain. And best of all, as soon as you're back in your hospital room, you can eat immediately.

As soon as Martha had been wheeled into her room after the procedure I was there to check on her.

"How are you doing, Honey?" I said.

"I'm great," she replied, "But do you think you could go downstairs and get me a chocolate donut and a coffee?"

After "textbook successful" surgery, the patient is doing well. Very well! (Comments welcome)

Photo: The cast is huge. And needs to stay on for two weeks. It will be replaced by a smaller one which will remain on for another month after that.

Martha's Left Foot

We've been waiting for 2 years. For this surgery. Martha's left foot --despite all the bunion surgeries and footrubs -- just gave out. But the miracles of (a) good old western medicine and (b) a gifted surgeon, will soon put it straight. And Martha will soon be doing what she's been longing to do for years...walking without a limp. But she'll no longer be able to "put her best foot forward" because they'll both be great feet!

PHOTO: Toe to toe. Three-quarters of M&M feet.

Not the Macarena!

"Ping Pong...is not the macarena. It is like a fine well-aged prostitute. She is cruel. And laughs at you when you are naked. Ha Ha. But still you keep coming back for more and more. Why? Because she is the only prostitute I can afford." from the movie "Balls of Fury"

Jack has found a new passion: ping pong. So, to accompany this photo it seemed only fitting that we include his favourite line from "Balls of Fury". Don't blame me, it wasn't my idea! Jack has an amazing talent for quoting lines from movies he has seen. And somehow, this line is one he loves to quote -- perhaps because of it's shock value?

I can only hope he continues to combine shock, humour, creativity -- and athleticism -- in his life. If so, he will never, ever be bored. And never lack for friends!

(Comments welcome) Photo: Jack with his Dad and Merrill setting up the new ping pong table...in the driveway. Gotta love California: ping pong by moonlight!

Ride 'em, Cowboy!

My newfound love of cowboy boots and hat have triggered some comments:

(1)

A few weeks ago. Grocery store. I was the last one standing in line at the checkout. A woman employee comes up behind me -- to close the register. She grabs the little chain and clicks it into place to block the lane behind me.

She says, "I'm gonna chain you up, buddy."

So I reply, "I love it when a woman says that to me."

She shoots me a look and a smile, and says, "I'll bet you do! You cowboys are all the same." Then she adds, "Oh, and boots too! You guys are trouble!"

Smiles all around.

(2)

Same store. Last week. A little three-year-old girl spies me in the cereal aisle. She looks me up and down, and I hear her as I walk past,

"Mummy! Look!" she says, "Him is a cowboy."

(3)

Yesterday. Palm Springs. Wal Mart. I walk into the men's room. I'm standing at the, ahem, urinal, and a guy walks in.

I hear him say, "So where's the rodeo?"

Without looking up, I say, "Just down the street, but be careful -- make sure you bring your own horse because if you ride one they give you, you'll break your back."

He continues, "So, it's down the street is it? How far?"

I pause, thinking, what is this guy talking about?

He goes, "No really, there's a rodeo in town!"

So I say, "Sorry pal, I'm not with the rodeo, I'm from Twentynine Palms, and well, this is the way we dress up there?"

"Oh, I'm so sorry," he said, "You must have thought I was making fun of you."

"Well, I did, actually," I said, as I washed my hands, "But, believe me, pal, I've had a lifetime of it, so I'm used to it."

"Sorry," he says, and we both laugh. I walk out of the room, and tell him...

"No problem, pardner."

Dreams do come true!

There were many cold winter nights in Toronto when Martha dreamed of this day: the day she'd be with both of her grand-brats around the pool, (in the winter) in the California sun. See...dreams do come true!

Smile! For the family photo!

Photo Opportunity It had been a few years since we'd all been under the same roof. So, it made sense that we should take a family photo. The resulting image says a lot about this crowd!

PHOTO: Our friend and neighbour Norm Blietz captured the group doing what comes naturally!

A few metres from certain death!

It seems like only a few years ago -- because it WAS only a few years ago -- that Cole and Jack could barely scramble up a rock the size of a refrigerator. Not any more! We went climbing last week and the boys and I made it to the top of The Intruder, a scary rock formation in Joshua Tree National Park. We made it by working as a team: at some places in the climb the only thing the guys had to hold onto was my leg, while I laid flat on my stomach! I was so proud of them.

Sometimes getting to the top is scary. And that's the best part! (comments welcome)

PHOTO: It's difficult taking a photo that conveys a true sense of height, a photo that shows we are a few metres from certain death!

"How's the weather."

During the winter, when we're on the phone with friends and family in Canada, we always ask, "How's the weather?" It's funny. People used to ask us what the weather is like here in California. They don't any more! They've learned not to...it's too painful.

Photo: Early morning in February. An uncommon occurence: a winter rainbow in the desert. A stunning reminder that we're very lucky to be here, having discovered this treasure of a place.

Do it, Girl!

A friend put it rather succinctly: "Merrill, that's so you. You're going to take pictures of women in their underwear and get paid for it. You son-of-a-bitch!" - comments welcome

PHOTO: This classified ad ran in the "Observation Post" official newspaper of the United States Marine Corps at Marine Corps Air Ground Combat Center in Twentynine Palms. Martha and I ran the ad hoping that a lot of Marine wives want their man to have a hot photo in their wallet when they ship out to Iraq and Afghanistan. We'll keep you posted on how it goes.